Planets not aligning

Today has just been a very off day for me. From moment one this morning, I just havent been right. My whole schedule has been off. I went to town today for an appointment - only thing was, I was a week early.Maybe its just one of those days, and I just need to be left alone...who knows! All I know is that sometimes, I just want to be left alone -- me and my MP3s...to just "be".

Every get that way?

Maybe not MP3s...maybe something else...maybe just you and a bag of chocolate? or even, a good book? Or just --- alone from the world time?

My release is music...I relax, relate, release to music. No matter what I need, I can achieve it through music --

• Anger -- Limp Bizkit - Break Stuff
• Relax -- Jazz for the Quiet Times
• Release -- Joe Satriani -- pretty much anything
• Aggression -- Pantera - 5 Minutes Alone
• Sorrow -- Point of Grace -- pretty much anything

Some days, you just need to "be"

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Musical choices while writing:
Switchfoot - Let That Be Enough (click here)
and
3 Doors Down - Here Without You (click here)

Back in September I believe it was, I had mentioned that I had graduation college, and been accepted into Phi Theta Kappa (PTK is Honor Society for 2-year colleges). One thing that I neglected to mention was my national recognition for being on The National Dean's List. I had totally forgotten about it until just yesterday when I received a package in the mail...and I didnt recognze the sender. Michelle had called me from working to let me kow that my computer parts were in (funny, I didnt order any, but hey, if people are gonna randomly send me free computer parts, I am OK with that!). So when I got home (came home early from work, wasnt feeling well at all), I opened the package and there it was...The National Dean's List Registry for 2005. I was mentioned for being on the list from 2004-2005, which I thought was a great honor. Right there in black and white

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I did so much more than anyone ever expected me to. I graduated with honors, and am now nationally recognized for being on the National Dean's List...how cool is that! :)

My wife who reads my writings asked why I never post anything positive about myself. She said this is the perfect thing to write about...and she is so right! I write about all the turmoil and painful things I have been through, or what peaved me that day or whatever. I have written about sports, politics, etc, but never something positive for me.

SO THIS POST IS FOR ME
YAY ME!!!

OK I am back off my soapbox. But it is a great feeling to know that you have done something like that, and being recognized like that. But, none of it would have been possible withouth the support of Michelle. She was there with me through thick and thin, through all my moody finals (yeah can you image me crabby??), through my struggles with Accounting and doing what I needed to do to not only pass the class, but go from a C to an A in 8 weeks, through all my late nights at campus working on projects (downloading music too) and finalizing reports (while downloading music of course), she was there. She carried the workload around the house when working fulltime, schooling fulltime, and DJing every weekend took 95% of my time away from my family. She made it possible, so all of this (PTK, Dean's List, CIS degree) is because of Michelle too :)

Well, a short but sweet one....it is after midnight, and I need to keep getting my rest so I don't get sick again...Off to Sleepy-ville :)

42.6, 1853 and 95

Now I know you are all sitting there wondering what in THE hell do all those numbers mean. Well, I will get to that. I have never written about some of my struggles, and my wife pointed this out to me, so I thought I would dedicate this post to a couple of my struggles. Most of the time, I listen to music while I am typing, so I thought I would also include what I am listening to, and link the song if you want it....today is Skid Row's Monkey Business (click here for song) - just because everyone needs more cowbell from time to time ;)

42.6

This is the number of pounds I have lost since January 7th of this year. When I started this journey, a journey that I never thought I would be making, I was 389, in the worse shape of my life, and opening Christmas gifts with my child and my sister's children was a chore. I could barely walk around my dad's property and not feel I had just finished a triathalon...I was exhausted, achy, hurting...both physically and mentally...but didnt know why. Well, I kinda knew why - I had turn the buffet into a normal meal. I ate all the dang time!! I was hungry I ate. I was angry I ate. I was sitting doing nothing, I ate. I just got home, and I ate. I ate like there was no tomorrow, and if I kept eating, there WOULDNT be a tomorrow. I was gonna be dead from a heat attack! Every 6 months, I get a workup of blood and stuff, and my cholesterol was at 140 last time I was in and my sugars were at 110...both in the normal range! Usually someone my size is about 300-400 and about 160-190 respectively. So on the cholesterol and blood sugar side I was fine (no, not THAT fine, you know...fine!). So now I just needed to get right...so I did-I cut sodas out of my life completely (OK, not completely, I still enjoy my jack and coke from time to time) but other than a mixed drink, no soda! I turned to water...at first I had to have 2-3 of those Crystal Light lemonade packets in a 32 oz pitcher....now 1 packet lasts 2 pitchers....water I can drink now and not feel icky!...portion sizes are way down from what they were, and I am just doing things right.

1853

Now you are probably thinking to yourself what could 1853 be, right? Well, that is the number of days that Michelle and I have been married :) 1853 and counting! I am hoping to get to 26000 days (we would be married over 71 years at that time...honey, you would be like 100 years old!! (to quote from Finding Nemo))...I am just thankful for every day that we are together. Thank you for all the chances to make us right...I know I somedays dont show you how much I love you...and somedays I wonder why you are still with me, but thankful that you still are....

95

This is very simple...it is a continuation of 42.6 -- this is how much I want to keep losing. Yeah, I wish I could do Biggest Loser, but I dont think 12.6 million people need to know I am ... husky! Yeah, you know you were a big kid, when shopping for pants -- they had slim, regular and HUSKY...nothing like giving a kid a complex early in life eh?

Hope all of you have a wonderful day, wonderful weekend, and I will write more later :)

J

Just a funny little diddy (Not P. Diddy)

I finally found the email about the seven words (and 1 sound) that women use. Just as an FYI, you are really in trouble if they double up (NOTHING, I'm FINE!)...if they follow that up with the sigh....prepare the couch for a nice evening.


Words Women Use


Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.


Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".


Whatever
If this word is used just leave the room. No matter what you come back with, it doesn't matter - she has already made up her mind and you're pretty much done for the evening. She will typically use this word because she cannot use profanity due to her surroundings.

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!


Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".


That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

Drunk Dialing & Other Totally Ramdom Thoughts

Well, today I talked to Bill, who just got back from Vegas...the first thing I wanted to ask him about was the voicemail he left me. It was roughly 130am my time, and when I woke up I saw that I had a message. It appears that Bill, one of my bruthas, decided that after having too much to drink (and if you knew Bill you would realize this, too, it a shocker) to do what's known as drunk dialing...basically calling anyone you want on your phone drunk...and hope in the morning, they arent pissed :) Well, I was laughing my butt off.. "hey man......it's ..... Bill .... how are ya man? .... you have NO idea....WOOOHOOOOOO....oh my god....hey man!! how you doin??.... WOOOOHOOO!!!! Ok Ok Ok ... I'm not done talking....hey man!! I gotta go"....click

It was obvious he was having a blast in Vegas, even if his Astros did lose the World Series. 42 years since the birth of the Astros, and they go down 4-0....sorry dude! Wish it went better.

McKenna has her Haloween celebration at pre-school tonight...and it was a blast! She went as Princess Belle from Beauty & The Beast. She looked so adorable. Hopefully will have pictures back in a couple days. She had so much fun going and making her trick or treat bag, and seeing all her teachers. Also going classroom to class room (like door to door) and trick-or-treating. Then there was the pinata. She did good -- swung the bat like David Justice...didnt break, but I thought one swing was very close. And, I won not only one door prize, but two - so I gave both of them to my mother-in-law. There were a set of halloween decorations. On the way home, Michelle was so proud of me for doing that. She said that a year ago, she didnt think I would do that....I felt really good inside. Thank you sweetie! :) That meant alot!


Well I hope everyone has a great evening! I am off to Sleepy-ville :)

Jas

Very personal thoughts - my most personal yet

Writing is selfish first.

This was a great statement, mainly because it is also so very true. While writing you write because of yourself, and what YOU feel, and what YOU think...It has taken me a long time to be comfortable with myself to be able to express what it is that I am feeling. Not that I am exactly where I want to be, but it is something I am still working on daily. It has been a struggle. There have been many bumps along the way.

As I sit here and watch another episode of Intervention, it made me think of my own problems. For those of you who have never seen this show (Sundays at 9pm CT), it is an excellent show. I find myself watching it almost every week. It is the reason for this post. It is about issues where we needed an intervention. My intervention came via my sister.

Ever since my sister and I found out that our parents were getting a divorce, we have been extremely tight. I think if I would have just listened to my sister, half of the time, I wouldnt have put myself into the situations I have put myself in. But then again, they have made me who I am today.

Timeline : Christmas 2004/New Years 2005
My family and I took a trip back home to Scranton for the Christmas Holiday and New Years Holiday. Needless to say, our marriage was shaky at best, even though in my mind at that time, I thought everything was fine (you know fine, one of the seve keywords that a woman will use when things are NOT fine -- I really need to find that email and post the other 6). I was so far from the truth, I couldnt even see it anymore. I get a call from my sister that she is having computer problems my sister tells me to come over and look at her computer, so I head over from my dad’s house (about a 5 minute drive) and when I get there, there is nothing wrong with her computer. She wanted to talk…..and talk she did. She spent the next 5½ hours talking – and we talked, and we cried, and cried some more…and basically, I was || this close to losing my marriage, unless I went and got some help. AND QUICK! So we started seeing a counselor (this was right after we got back from PA in January – also the same time I started on my weight loss journey). By this time, I had put on over 100 pounds since I moved to Wisconsin. After about 3 sessions, I asked the counselor if I could see her on an individual basis, rather than a couple basis. So not only are we seeing a counselor to save our marriage, but I am also in counseling to resolve whatever issues I have that I keep running from, and repressing down deep in me. I come to find out that I had basically been a ticking time bomb. I was still holding on to my parent’s divorce, grandparent’s deaths, lost love, you name it – and one thing I found out and realized, I never learned or knew how to grieve. And that has been hard. Knowing it is OK to cry when you are emotional. Don’t hold it in. I still struggle with this one.

Yes, it had come to the point where I needed to seek outside help to help me with whatever was going on inside of my head. Of course, I have the internet (and worked at an insurace company for over 4 years, I could probably diagnose myself if I wanted to). But I chose (at that time) to agree within myself that everything was fine.

As I researched later, what I had was a classic case of clinical depression, which is defined as :

• Depressed mood, or
• Loss of interest or pleasure.

It is sufficient to have either of these symptoms in conjunction with four of a list of other symptoms. These include:

• Feelings of overwhelming sadness or fear, or seeming inability to feel emotion.
• Marked decrease of interest in pleasurable activities.
• Changing appetite and marked weight gain or weight loss.
• Disturbed sleep patterns, either insomnia or sleeping more than normal.
• Changes in activity levels, restless or moving significantly slower than normal.
• Fatigue, both mental and physical.
• Feelings of guilt, helplessness, anxiety, and/or fear.
• Lowered self-esteem.
• Decreased ability to concentrate or make decisions.
• Thinking about death or suicide.

Wow, as I sit back and relook at what had been happening, I had the top 2, and 9 out of the bottom 10 (no suicide notions). But not me, I didnt need help. Couldnt be me -- nope - no way!. yeah! It was me...it was sitting right there in front of me, and I didnt even see it. It was affecting my work, my relationships, everything.

To seek a counselor, it doesnt make you a bad person or a wrong person for seeking help for a problem that you are having. It actually makes you a better person for it. We sometimes lose sight of the fact that we are not perfect. We sometimes need an outside person to make sense of it all. And that is what I got from my family and my own personal intervention, and from my counselor.

Michelle and I joke that if she wanted to get my full and undivided attention, all she would have to do is donn her ESPN shirt. Funny when we joke about it, but she was right.

I hope those that read this understand how hard it was/is for me to pour out everything I have here today. Its not been an easy journey. But I am a better person for it today. If someone reading this finds it in themselves to seek help, then I have made a difference. And arent we here on this great Earth to make a difference? :)

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Jas

My greatest fear

The other night, I got into an interesting conversation with my friend Melissa, and we have what's known as an open-book session - nothing is off limits, ask anything you want.....so she asked me what my greatest fear was, and this was my response:

mine is death, but my own....how Michelle, McKenna, or baby-2-be ...what they would do, or how they would manage without me. THen I think of my closest friends: You, Rick, Bill, Jodi.....what will they do without me in their life...will they move on? Will they be sad? Will I be missed? Then my family --- how devistating will it be for them ..... I dont want to ever have to put them through that...then I think of my sister's 2 kids, on of whom I am a godparent for....and how I left them too....

So, this is my post about my greatest fear.....my losing my family, my friends, and the pain that I would leave behind. I know I wont live forever, but I do want to live long enough to see my kids do things, like get married, have kids of their own, and grow old. Sometimes people cant,dont, or wont face their fears. This is my fear, and I face it every day when I travel to and from work - the drivers around here suck! But, I just do my thing and watch out for myself....

Something short and sweet for now...hope all is well with you as you read this :o)