In Memoram

This post is in the memory of Gary Thiry. Gary and I worked together at Schneider National, and his wife, Molly, also works with me at Schneider. She actually sits right behind me at work. I considered Gary a friend, and he will be missed. A memorial fund for his two girls has been set up. I know we have it setup at work, as soon as I can get the bank info I will post it, should anyone like to contribue to help Molly and the girls out. :) Should you help out, just drop a note to say you are a friend of mine so she knows.

Gary G. Thiry, 33, Green Bay died early Saturday evening, June 24, 2006, at his home of an apparent asthma attack. He was born May 14, 1973, in Green Bay, to Dennis and Dorothy (Wachal) Thiry. On Oct. 13, 2001, he married Molly Radosevich at St. Joseph Church, Green Bay. He was employed with Schneider National, Green Bay for the past 13 years. His enjoyments included playing baseball, listening to Elvis music, spending time with his friends and family, especially his two little girls.

Survivors include his wife, Molly, his two daughters, Neely, 7, Carley, 2, all at home; his father and his mother, Dennis and Dorothy Thiry, Luxemburg; two brothers and one sister-in-law, Dan (Lynnette) Thiry, Kevin Thiry, all of Luxemburg; his paternal grandmother, Stella Thiry, Casco; his mother-in-law and step-father-in-law, Linda (Roger) Hyde, Green Bay; two brothers-in-law and three sisters-in-law, Paul (Angie) Radosevich, Vernon, Wis.; Mary Kay (Jon) Varo, Nashville; Sarah Radosevich, Green Bay; his stepbrothers-in-law and stepsisters-in-law, Tom Hyde, Jason Hyde, and Adrienne (Leo) Campos- Moya, all of Green Bay; his maternal grandmother-in-law, Irene Thorpe, Green Bay; several nieces and nephews.

He was preceded in death by his paternal grandfather, Henry Thiry; his maternal grandfather and maternal grandmother, Matt and Marie Wachal; his father-in-law, William B. Radosevich; his grandfather-in-law, Jim Thorpe.

Friends may call 3 to 8 p.m. Wednesday, June 28, 2006, at the MCMAHON FUNERAL HOME, LUXEMBURG. Parish prayer 6:30 p.m. lead by Deacon Bob Miller. Visitation will continue between 9:30 and 10:30 a.m. Thursday at St. Mary Church, Luxemburg. Funeral 11 a.m. Thursday at the Church with Rev. Ron Belitz and Rev. Milton Suess officiating. Burial in St. Mary Cemetery, Luxemburg.

The family would like to extend a special thank you to their family and friends during this difficult time. In lieu of flowers, a memorial fund will be established for Gary's two little girls. Online condolences for the Thiry family may be e-mailed to mcmahonfh@centurytel.net.

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Songs that stick in your head

Today, I cannot shake the song "Here Without You" from 3 Doors down from my head. I am not sure if it is from recent events, or what, but today, I cannot get that song out of my head. I had this song on my post PAGE 153 . For some reason, today this song has more meaning than ever before.

If there is one thing I have learned in the past 24 hours, is that dont let other people think for you. I did. I let others tell me what I should do, how I should think, and it is partially why it has cost me a friendship. A friendship I dont know that I will ever be able to repair. A friendship that meant so much to me. I let this person build walls around themselves to the point that when I pushed away, I was actually laying the foundation for the wall. Instead of being me, and letting this person be my friend, I let others tell me how bad a person I was, and how I shouldnt have female friends, etc.

I found this, and it sooooooo fit in to this posting:

Regardless of how a friendship breaks, with a bang or a whimper, you will inevitably find yourself wondering whether it should be repaired, whether you should do what you can to salvage what is left or just let it go. If you value a relationship that has come to the end of the road, we urge you not to write your lost friend off completely—at least not just yet. Okay, so you've been burned, betrayed in a way you never deserved. You want to get even. But you have a choice: you can experience some momentary satisfaction by slamming the door shut and keeping it locked with offense, or you can give yourself space and time to cool off and collect your thoughts...Time really does have away of healing deep hurts. Time allows forgiveness to wash away anger and keep us healthy. Returning lost friend and restored relationship can give us perspective on our experiences, deepen our lives. So...every cloud has silver lining...Think about it...

It is amazing how the emotions of something you have said had gone away, really never did. You just supressed them, because it was easier to run, than to deal with the issue at hand. SO, I did what I have done for 18 years -- I RAN....I ran from the problem, and chose to not deal with it. If I bury this issue so far down, and cut myself off from the outside world, it will go away, right?

Oh how FREAKING wrong I am...

Tonight, thinking about this entire situation, I basically cried to myself most of the way home, mainly because I cannot for the life of me figure out why I would treat a person the way that I did. My emotions are running pretty strong of late. My time of the month? Perhaps...yes granted we may not have ALL the symptoms and by-products of PMS, but we have our cycles! There are times men are more emotional than others...there is nothing wrong with that. I guess these last 24 hours have just been very emotional for me.

I guess there is no better stage that the one I am now on, spotlight shining down on me, to show how HUMAN I am. Those who have known me the longest can tell you...if it werent for 2nd chances, my best friends in my life would not bere here today. We all have been given 2nd chances along the way. Question is...do I deserve it? I cant answer that.

To be continued.........

Struggle Within

Sleeplessness can cause people sometimes to think of the strangest things. Tonight for instance, I have been yawning for almost 4 hours, but do you think I can go to sleep? NOPE! Lying there in my bed, looking at the ceiling, 1000 thoughts running thru my mind. That is probably why I can sleep. I can’t stop thinking. From Wikipedia, Insomnia is most often caused by sleep disorders, but other causes include fear, stress, anxiety, medications, herbs and caffeine. An overactive mind or physical pain may also be a cause. Gee, why didn’t I think of that! STRESS and caffeine! I have both. Sometimes, I sleep so little and work so much, I feel like a dead man walking.

This week, I have had a lot of time to think -- even with all of my overtime and such -- about life in general. Sometimes I wonder what I am even doing here. What purpose am I serving? Then my mind just drifts from there. I go on to wonder what I will amount to in life, what I will be remember for (or as) in life when I am gone, all kinds of things. The song from Metallica Struggle Within has lyrics that go like this:

Reaching out for something you've got to feel
While clutching to what you had thought was real

There are times when I don’t know what I should feel. I think I know what I feel, but sometimes, it just like a dead-zone. Empty. Nothing. I am sure I have said it before somewhere along the way - some days are better than others.

Last night went to a wedding for a friend of mine from work. It was a beautiful ceremony. Actually the 2nd wedding I have been at in that church. Afterwards, the reception was at Stadium View, which is a nice reception hall. One thing about weddings, being a DJ, maybe sometimes it is POSSIBLE that I may from time to time critique the DJ a little --- rough. I guess I know what my skill level is. I mean, I even spun a few tunes and got the crowd going at my friend RJ's wedding, and yeah, sometimes, I get a little "critical". Last night was no exception, except I didn’t have Michelle there to tell me to stop (she usually tells me ahead of time to be nice to the DJ). One of the things you need to do as a DJ is get the people to notice you...get them involved in the ceremony. Then there is something called FLOW! For example, if you are playing Fishin' In The Dark, you wouldn’t follow that up with something like "The Chicken Dance" (yes, this was the DJ's transition) -- oy! I was like WTF!! Now by this point, I already 7 mixers and 2 beers, so I am still fine. So I sat there for a bit with another TP and he asked me "Is it me, or is this guy all over the place" -- I agreed. There was no flow. After his 2nd "changing the earth's rotation" switch in genres, I called it a night. By that time, I had seen enough, and just wanted to come home and veg......so I did.

Sometimes the emptiness I feel inside comes from things I cannot control. Sometimes, it is the stresses of everyday life, and I eat to relieve my stress. Then I feel empty inside because I allowed myself to get to the point I am today. Like right now, typing this blog, I am sitting here eating Lay's potato chips stacks, and drinking a Dr. Pepper.....why?? Sometimes, I just am empty with the thoughts of what my life is. Not with my kids, because my kids make me feel good. I love my kids.

This feeling of emptiness is something that is with me a lot of the time. Almost overpowering at times. I know it makes me moody, distant, and unwanted. I don’t know why Michelle has put up with this as much as she has. Honestly, I am surprised she is still with me. Nobody knows the pain I feel inside because of what I have let myself become. I see pictures of years past, whether it was at a family function, friend's parties, playing sports, whatever, and the only feeling I have is sickness. I just want to give up...wait, maybe I already have, and just have never admitted it. Maybe I don’t want to be here anymore, living this sick life in a sick body feeling sick about what I have become. This is the struggle within for me. Struggling to live, struggling to survive, struggling.....

A friend of mine wrote recently (I am sure he won’t mind the steal):

what will tomorrow bring
what mirror in which i will look
and see
what is and has become of me

I don’t think I could have said it any better myself. What has become of me is lack of ambition, lack of energy, and lack of drive. I have also become depressive, substituting stress with food, making myself undesirable, unwanted, and unappreciated. Ii have substituted my humor to hide my internal beast. I don’t allow people in to see the real me anymore. Every time I have in the past, I have been burned. The marks are starting to show. I don’t even know the real me anymore....that is what sad. I have even suppressed me to myself. I don’t do anything that I used to do in prior years. I don’t golf anymore. I don’t bowl anymore. I don’t play racquetball anymore (I know the glass appreciates that). I don’t fish anymore. I don’t DJ anymore. I don’t do anything. I work, I come home. I work, I come home.

I am not a superficial person in the least. Could be part of my problem. I never look at myself and say "god I look hideous"....well, I do, just on the inside....adding to the pain. Then, I use humor to mask the pain, and hence starts my vicious cycle of hiding the pain.

I don’t know where I intended of going with this one. Usually I have points...this time, just releasing what is inside.