Its funny when you think you have the power and determination to take on the world, sometimes you find out you cant even take on yourself. I have been dealing with that struggle for some time now. Today was one of those days.
Today would have been 7 years for me. 7 years married to someone I trusted. 7 years married to someone I loved. 7 years married to someone who I thought loved me too. Honestly, at this moment in time, it doesn't even matter any more. Those days are behind me.
All day I never even gave a 2nd thought to what today's date was. It wasn't until tonight while talking to a friend of mine that it dawned on me. At that one moment, I had that feeling of failure ... that feeling of self doubt and the the 100 "what-if" questions. I simply wasnt going to measure up to whatever it was she was looking for. No matter how hard I tried, it would never be enough.
So tonight, I tried to act like it didnt phase me --- the facade of the happy person when inside at that one moment, I was hurting. At that same moment, I was taken back to a conversation just yesterday with a friend of mine in which I said "...be true to yourself. I would rather be true to myself and miserable / blue / off / lethargic or whatever, than not true to myself, and wearing a happy façade knowing I am not happy at all." How dare I?! Here I am not even 24 hours later not being true to myself.
SO I picked my sorry butt up off the couch, and grabbed a card that my girl sent me for Sweetest Day...and that moment of my hurting went away, and that moment of my fake happiness was replaced by true happiness. Knowing that someone was out there thinking of me, and wanting to be with me, made that one moment disappear. I am in a much happier place. I am in a place where bad days are OK...little things matter and dont go unnoticed...I dont have to be someone I am not...I am loved for who I am...and that makes all the difference in the world!
When you are true to yourself, others will be too...you will be surprised who is standing there. When you are genuine, people may let you in to their circle of trust, where others may not be as fortunate.
J-Dawg
