Right place, wrong time

I honestly thought I was going to write about my day when I started this, but today has just been a really crappy day. It started yesterday when I spend 2 hours doing my TT13, and when I hit send, it gives me an error, and two hours of work are gone. Then this morning, I got a great night's sleep, and I was in such a deep sleep...the alarm went off way too early. I got to work, and the breakfast was already shut down because they didnt make enough to last until 9am...so I was stuck with just a coffee. Then lunch came early because I was so hungry....my whole day was just thrown out of kilter. Busy at work. Hardly talked with my normal people I talk with. I didnt get to message hardly anyone today. Today I am just having a hard time dealing with it. Today, it just seemed like I never got going. I sat there and spun my wheels all day. The more I thought about today the more I just didnt want to be there, and I didnt want to deal with anything. I kept thinking to myself that if I think happy thoughts, happiness will shine through. Well, I dont know if it did or not. I tried to listen to a friend tonight. All I heard was "me me me me me"..finally I just said I had to go. Then another friend called....decent call...nothing out of the ordinary. Then a call I was expecting all evening....it brought a smile to my face. So if I am happy, why do I feel empty? Is there something not being said to me? Is there something I am not noticing? Is there something I should be doing differently? I know the only person who can truly answer those questions is me. I dont know how to explain this feeling, except confused and alone.

Another night spent alone
Wondering why these feelings
Are foreign to me

Pain is all around
In my heart and in my soul
No way to release

This isn't something new
Been here for a long time now
Not sure what to do

Lost in my own world
Of my thoughts and constant dreams
Shattered like glass panes

The power of food
Of which I have no control
No will for stopping

Dealing with too much
Trying hard to be wanted
Losing the battle

Always second best
Never good enough for anyone
Good guys finish last

Always the nice guy
The go to guy with problems
I'll help you with them

Never thought feelings
Would make me feel this hollow
Lonliness is me

I dont know what possessed me to haiku back to back to back to back.....(are there enough backs?) like that. It just came to me. I guess I just have to deal with the fact that I am who I am, and nothing is going to change that. As hard as I try, I feel it will never be good enough. Recent history has shown that. And yet, I cant help but adding to this.

Its 1am...I am getting some semblance of sleep :) Good night

I dont think I could have said it better myself

I found this just randomly surfing tonight. It pretty much says everything I couldnt find the nerve to say :) If you are reading this, you know who its for....

Extraordinary

Won't you tell me your story
Your fall from grace
How you came to this place
Tell me what you're doing here
All your thoughts and all your fears
If there's nowhere left to go
Then there's something you should know

If you're falling you're not the only one
If you're blinded stop staring at the sun
I'm calling out to you
Because you're reaching out to me
And I'm wanting you to know

You're extraordinary
You're not ordinary
Are you trying hard enough to be all that you can be
If you're scared and lonely
Then you're feeling just like me
You only get one life to live
... so, how's it gonna be?

You keep waiting for something
To fall from the sky
Give you all the reasons why
You're not where you want to be
If there's nothing left to see
Tell me what you're waiting for
Because I know you're wanting more

If you're hurting you're not the only one
This is no ending your life has just begun
I'm calling out to you
Because I know you're listening
And I wanted you to know

So, how's it gonna be
---
When you start to see
Everything you need
Is falling into reach
Have trust in me I need you to believe

I dont know why, but this really hit me tonight after a phone call I received. Just put a huge "Reach Toothbrush" type smile on my face.

Its a good thing

:)

Thursday Thirteen 9/21/06

Hello! And welcome to another addition to the Thursday 13. This week, I created a few graphics that reminded me of the industry I am in (transportation) and so, I decided to use one of my new graphics to start off the TT13. This week, my TT13 is about things I would change if I were to become President:

Thirteen Things I would change about this country if I were President:

1. If I find out you are gouging on prices (for instance, gasoline) to line your pockets with the profits, you WILL go to jail. The CEO of Enron, JAIL! The CEO of Tyco, JAIL! You profited from other people's misery. I plan on using the state of Nebraska to build a HUGE jail system. There isnt much out there anyway! How hard can it be to build a few buildings, and lay in some water and electric? No more fancy jails either. Bare necessities, food, shelter, barb-wire fences. Shelters would be barrack style, where 30-40 would live at one time. You get out of line, you get sprayed with rubber bullets.

2. Federal highways, such as interstates, could not be toll roads. We already pay the roads through taxes. Why should I have to pay for them again, by paying YOU (the turnpike entity) to use the roads I already pay to use. If you want a toll-way, built it yourself.

3. Spammers would be punished, not THREATED to be punished. I get a spam, you go to jail. I dont want you "Increase your breast size" cream, nor do I want to "Find Hot Single MILFs in my area". Thank you, I will pass.

4. Health care costs in this country are atrocious!! Health care providers, and insurance companies are out of control. I would have a unified health care plan, similar to Canada. I know, every system has their issues, but nothing compared to the thousands of dollars we pay each year for the right to have insurance, to have to pay as much out of pocket as we do.

5. Frivilous law suits would cease. If you are stupid enough to try and slam-dunk a piping hot cup of coffee from McDonalds (or Dunkin Donuts) and then SUE them because you burned your lip -- it sucks to be you. I dont know where you get your coffee from, but everywhere I do, its hot.

6. You deal drugs, automatic 25 year sentence. Also, paying inmates would cease. We already pay almost $45k per year per inmate in this country....now you want us to pay you for the time you spend peeling potatoes in the kitchen? How about you do community service, and all that money goes to the families you have hurt? Yeah, thought not

7. Physically or otherwise harm a child, automatic life sentence. Your going to Nebraska! Hope you like intense heat and cold-assed winters.

8. The House and Senate agreed to increase their salaries by an average of $3300 this year. However, they were unable to come to a consensus on raising the minimum wage. Why do they care? Most of them make in excess of $150k a year, all expenses paid when they travel by the governing public. Who cares about Joe Bob at the local Hardee's. I say if they get raises, so do minimum wages.

9. Utilities would not be able to raise their rates as much and as frequently as they are. Here in Wisconsin, in 2003, they raised electric 12 percent, and in 2004 another 18%. In 2005, another 13%. My gosh! The average person gets a 3-5% increase a year...it would take 15 years at 3% to make up the increase in electric over the last 3 years, and that is only if they chose not to increase! INSANITY!

10. Public transportation would become more accessible, more affordable, and more safe. I also like the idea of the country train, the Euro, in Europe, where you buy a ticket and it is good for 14 days or however long you buy it for, and you ride and ride and ride......

11. I would have to do something about protecting 401k plans people put their money in, so those like Ken Lay (Enron) cant keep their $500M nest-egg, while thousands of people lose their millions of dollars.

12. I would love to be able to do something to help those in need. Not quite sure what I would do, but it would NOT resemble in ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM the currently in place programs our government is so graciously providing. I believe if you are in need, you should be able to get help. If you have been getting need for a period of (an undetermined length of time) then you need to go find something to do so other people who NEED help NOW can get help.

13. I would love to be able to institute something where for one day a year, like Christmas Day, that NOTHING is required to be open....a day of rest, salvation, prayer, whatever. We dont need liquor stores open, or grocery stores, or WalMarts or anything else -- a day to spend doing SOMETHING other than work.

OK some of them may be unrealistic, but hey, its MY 13! LOL and I like it that way! I hope you all have a wonderful week! Take care and be safe......

J-Dawg

PS if you like the sign above, I can make one for you for you state. I can do a double post (shown), or a single post left, single post right. I can move the arrow....just about anything. Here are a couple more I did ... (these are single post left below)

A lost writing

I sometimes just sit down and free-write - no real direction - just flow. This is one of those free-writings. I wrote the week my life changed...

OPEN WINDOW TO MY SOUL

Another day in this house
All alone
Cold and empty

Sleepless nights and endless days
Working on a solution to a problem that
cannot be solved
Wondering how to find the answers

What I wouldnt give
To be the life of the party
To not have this empty feeling
Deep inside

There are times and places for everything
Except for those times you do not wish to face
Those times are for simpler times
When you are ready to face your fears.

I am not ready to face those fears
Not yet anyway
I have grown comfortable in the surroundings I have
built around me
And dont want the walls to come crashing in.

Leaving these surroundings
Will open doors I am not ready to look into
Will open old wounds that have not yet healed
Will be very trying on my heart, and on my soul

Fear is constant within me
Fear of losing those close to me
Fear of saying the wrong thing
Fear of the unknown

Wrestling within my own mind
Are the fears I bring on myself
Fear of rejection
Fear of pain
Fear of loneliness
Fear of fears

Sometimes, do you say what you want to say
Or do you say nothing at all
Alison Krause once said
You say it best, when you say nothing at all

So I choose to keep my feelings closely guarded
Free of fear
Able to keep me warm
When I need that person most, they will know
They will feel the same feeling I am feeling right now

Again, I wrote this about a couple weeks ago, maybe almost a month now, during a difficult time in my life.

I have learned over the past couple weeks that I am in control of my own destiny. When I read what I wrote above, I see depression setting in. I am not allowing that to happen. Been there -- done that.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. I know I will - I get to be with my kids :)

J-Dawg

Thursday Thirteen -- 09/14/06

WELCOME EVERYONE to another exciting issue of the Thursday Thirteen. I have been gone for a couple weeks moving into a new place. Now that I am all settled in, I am ready to write again! So without further adooooooooooooooo............................



Thirteen Things I want to improve on in the next 13 months ((**thanks Jodi!))

1. Spending time with my kids -- because I basically worked my tail off, just to have everything all go away from me. My time with my kids will be the only thing on my schedule. Phone off, computer off, TV off -- kid time :)

2. My weight. I am working on it as we speak. I have lost some, but I have a lot more to lose. BUT! My friend Jodi said she would help me with that

3. Focus more on myself. I don't even know who I am anymore. I am a father, a friend, but I don't even know myself. So I want to find the "ME" that I have lost.

4. Exercise more -- goes along with #1 -- pretty self explanatory.

5. Self-improvement. I want to learn HTML. I got my degree, now its time to have fun.

6. Organization -- I want to improve how and when I organize -- not a huge Spring Clean and and (maybe) a fall clean -- I want to organize myself so I do it right away -- this is going to be tough. I hope Mission: Organization is taking applicants!

7. Music -- I have SOOOOOOOO many CDs and stuff from when I DJs I need to get them into an area that I can manage. I have CDs EVERYWHERE! Currently I am in the process of putting CDs on my hard drive. I am about 30% done, and I am over 7000 and counting. ALL legal!

8. TT13 -- visiting those pages who have visited me, and letting them know I stopped in. I have been really bad about that. With my move, and everything, my TT took a hiatus, but I promise to visit every single visitor who comments

9. NASCAR -- I love NASCAR, however have only seen 2 races in its entirety in 2 years...one just last weekend. I look forward to watching more sports, and being involved with sports again. Bowling league LOOKOUT!!!!

10. Separating work and home -- I think about WAYYY too much work stuff at home -- I have even lost sleep some nights worrying about work stuff. NO MORE!

11. Spend time with friends -- I have not done that either -- all I did was work. Time for play time too.

12. Take more pictures -- I want more pictures of my kids, my travels, everything.

13. Enjoy life

It's been awhile, but I am glad to be back! I hope to do it all :) Make it a great week everyone!!!

J-Dawg

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of this is to get to know everyone who articipates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things.


View More Thursday Thirteen Participants