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Part II




Part III


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Songs that stick in your head

Today, I cannot shake the song "Here Without You" from 3 Doors down from my head. I am not sure if it is from recent events, or what, but today, I cannot get that song out of my head. I had this song on my post PAGE 153 . For some reason, today this song has more meaning than ever before.

If there is one thing I have learned in the past 24 hours, is that dont let other people think for you. I did. I let others tell me what I should do, how I should think, and it is partially why it has cost me a friendship. A friendship I dont know that I will ever be able to repair. A friendship that meant so much to me. I let this person build walls around themselves to the point that when I pushed away, I was actually laying the foundation for the wall. Instead of being me, and letting this person be my friend, I let others tell me how bad a person I was, and how I shouldnt have female friends, etc.

I found this, and it sooooooo fit in to this posting:

Regardless of how a friendship breaks, with a bang or a whimper, you will inevitably find yourself wondering whether it should be repaired, whether you should do what you can to salvage what is left or just let it go. If you value a relationship that has come to the end of the road, we urge you not to write your lost friend off completely—at least not just yet. Okay, so you've been burned, betrayed in a way you never deserved. You want to get even. But you have a choice: you can experience some momentary satisfaction by slamming the door shut and keeping it locked with offense, or you can give yourself space and time to cool off and collect your thoughts...Time really does have away of healing deep hurts. Time allows forgiveness to wash away anger and keep us healthy. Returning lost friend and restored relationship can give us perspective on our experiences, deepen our lives. So...every cloud has silver lining...Think about it...

It is amazing how the emotions of something you have said had gone away, really never did. You just supressed them, because it was easier to run, than to deal with the issue at hand. SO, I did what I have done for 18 years -- I RAN....I ran from the problem, and chose to not deal with it. If I bury this issue so far down, and cut myself off from the outside world, it will go away, right?

Oh how FREAKING wrong I am...

Tonight, thinking about this entire situation, I basically cried to myself most of the way home, mainly because I cannot for the life of me figure out why I would treat a person the way that I did. My emotions are running pretty strong of late. My time of the month? Perhaps...yes granted we may not have ALL the symptoms and by-products of PMS, but we have our cycles! There are times men are more emotional than others...there is nothing wrong with that. I guess these last 24 hours have just been very emotional for me.

I guess there is no better stage that the one I am now on, spotlight shining down on me, to show how HUMAN I am. Those who have known me the longest can tell you...if it werent for 2nd chances, my best friends in my life would not bere here today. We all have been given 2nd chances along the way. Question is...do I deserve it? I cant answer that.

To be continued.........

Struggle Within

Sleeplessness can cause people sometimes to think of the strangest things. Tonight for instance, I have been yawning for almost 4 hours, but do you think I can go to sleep? NOPE! Lying there in my bed, looking at the ceiling, 1000 thoughts running thru my mind. That is probably why I can sleep. I can’t stop thinking. From Wikipedia, Insomnia is most often caused by sleep disorders, but other causes include fear, stress, anxiety, medications, herbs and caffeine. An overactive mind or physical pain may also be a cause. Gee, why didn’t I think of that! STRESS and caffeine! I have both. Sometimes, I sleep so little and work so much, I feel like a dead man walking.

This week, I have had a lot of time to think -- even with all of my overtime and such -- about life in general. Sometimes I wonder what I am even doing here. What purpose am I serving? Then my mind just drifts from there. I go on to wonder what I will amount to in life, what I will be remember for (or as) in life when I am gone, all kinds of things. The song from Metallica Struggle Within has lyrics that go like this:

Reaching out for something you've got to feel
While clutching to what you had thought was real

There are times when I don’t know what I should feel. I think I know what I feel, but sometimes, it just like a dead-zone. Empty. Nothing. I am sure I have said it before somewhere along the way - some days are better than others.

Last night went to a wedding for a friend of mine from work. It was a beautiful ceremony. Actually the 2nd wedding I have been at in that church. Afterwards, the reception was at Stadium View, which is a nice reception hall. One thing about weddings, being a DJ, maybe sometimes it is POSSIBLE that I may from time to time critique the DJ a little --- rough. I guess I know what my skill level is. I mean, I even spun a few tunes and got the crowd going at my friend RJ's wedding, and yeah, sometimes, I get a little "critical". Last night was no exception, except I didn’t have Michelle there to tell me to stop (she usually tells me ahead of time to be nice to the DJ). One of the things you need to do as a DJ is get the people to notice you...get them involved in the ceremony. Then there is something called FLOW! For example, if you are playing Fishin' In The Dark, you wouldn’t follow that up with something like "The Chicken Dance" (yes, this was the DJ's transition) -- oy! I was like WTF!! Now by this point, I already 7 mixers and 2 beers, so I am still fine. So I sat there for a bit with another TP and he asked me "Is it me, or is this guy all over the place" -- I agreed. There was no flow. After his 2nd "changing the earth's rotation" switch in genres, I called it a night. By that time, I had seen enough, and just wanted to come home and veg......so I did.

Sometimes the emptiness I feel inside comes from things I cannot control. Sometimes, it is the stresses of everyday life, and I eat to relieve my stress. Then I feel empty inside because I allowed myself to get to the point I am today. Like right now, typing this blog, I am sitting here eating Lay's potato chips stacks, and drinking a Dr. Pepper.....why?? Sometimes, I just am empty with the thoughts of what my life is. Not with my kids, because my kids make me feel good. I love my kids.

This feeling of emptiness is something that is with me a lot of the time. Almost overpowering at times. I know it makes me moody, distant, and unwanted. I don’t know why Michelle has put up with this as much as she has. Honestly, I am surprised she is still with me. Nobody knows the pain I feel inside because of what I have let myself become. I see pictures of years past, whether it was at a family function, friend's parties, playing sports, whatever, and the only feeling I have is sickness. I just want to give up...wait, maybe I already have, and just have never admitted it. Maybe I don’t want to be here anymore, living this sick life in a sick body feeling sick about what I have become. This is the struggle within for me. Struggling to live, struggling to survive, struggling.....

A friend of mine wrote recently (I am sure he won’t mind the steal):

what will tomorrow bring
what mirror in which i will look
and see
what is and has become of me

I don’t think I could have said it any better myself. What has become of me is lack of ambition, lack of energy, and lack of drive. I have also become depressive, substituting stress with food, making myself undesirable, unwanted, and unappreciated. Ii have substituted my humor to hide my internal beast. I don’t allow people in to see the real me anymore. Every time I have in the past, I have been burned. The marks are starting to show. I don’t even know the real me anymore....that is what sad. I have even suppressed me to myself. I don’t do anything that I used to do in prior years. I don’t golf anymore. I don’t bowl anymore. I don’t play racquetball anymore (I know the glass appreciates that). I don’t fish anymore. I don’t DJ anymore. I don’t do anything. I work, I come home. I work, I come home.

I am not a superficial person in the least. Could be part of my problem. I never look at myself and say "god I look hideous"....well, I do, just on the inside....adding to the pain. Then, I use humor to mask the pain, and hence starts my vicious cycle of hiding the pain.

I don’t know where I intended of going with this one. Usually I have points...this time, just releasing what is inside.

Unknown Direction

The days of trying to figure out where I want to go and what I want to do have given way to thoughts of paying for the bills, and do we have enough to get through. It is a life I wouldnt trade for anything. B.I.G.gie said it best - mo' money mo' problems. It would be nice to be comfortable, but I wouldnt want to be filthy rich. I never said I wouldnt say NO to filthy rich. The job I do I like. The house we live in, we like. Just would be nice to not be under the gun all the time. Money doesnt buy happiness, but it sure makes living a lot easier. I dont like that I cant take my family on vacation. I dont like that I cant take the time off I would like to take off to spend with them. I dont like that my days off I dont have a choice but to work overtime to make ends meet.

These are my feelings. They arent right or wrong -- they just are.

My birthday went by withouth much fanfare - just the way I like it. Spent the morning with my wife and kids, then went to lunch at Joe Rouer's. They took an afternoon nap (mmmmmmmmm), then about 430 started dinner. Potatoes and onions grilled on the grill with steak. Had dinner with her folks, then went home and veg'd the rest of the night.

You know what the best thing about being 35 is? I can remember when music was real, interesting, and not being ripped off. Look at any new artist...odds are, they are ripping off an 80's song or 90's song to gain a top-10 hit. I like sampling - I mean, look at Chuck D - one of the best people using sampling without having to mainstream it. The latest in a string of wanna-be's is Rhianna, with SOS....ripping off Soft Cell's Tainted Love, which in its time, got very little recognition. Now, everyone thinks this is the greatest thing since sliced bread....this is why I continue to listen to my Joe Satriani, Metallica, Poison, Pantera, Foreigner, Styx, AC/DC, etc. I mean, yes, I like Eminem, 112, Public Enemy, and yes they sample. But not to the extent of every song they release being a mish-mash of samples. Like when Eminem sampled Dido, he brought her on TOUR with him! Let's see if there is a Soft Cell reunion - yeah, not!

One thing to end - I saw this and just chucked:

You may not know this, but many non-living things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it would be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

I hope you all have a wonderful day - I am going to do housework! YAY! Peace......

The Catholic Church shows its true colors

Recently, this article was in the People's Forum in the Press-Gazette, and I just HAD to share it with you -- I couldn’t have written it better myself. It is in response to the firing of a teacher from Appleton's Xavier High School (Catholic school) after the school found out that she and her husband had a child using invitro fertilization:

HOWARD --- Wow, once again the Catholic Church shows its true colors. Is it just me or is the level of hypocrisy truly stunning? Fire a woman for wanting to experience the joy of motherhood and raising children because the way she went about it went against their doctrine? She would have been better off molesting a child; at least she'd still have a job, just at another school.

To make things (from my own perspective) worse, on Mother's Day, of ALL days, the priest at the church Michelle went to with her Mom and Dad, decided not to thank mothers, talk about family, talk about how special Mother's Day is, the meaning, or anything like that. He went on a 40-minute schpiel about how BAD this woman was for using IVF to have a child, and how people should not use artificial means to conceive a child. Let me see if I understand what he is saying:

• Priest touches child, no harm no foul
• Woman and man who love each other have a child together, this is bad
• Catholic church to date has paid over $850 million to settle abuse cases (reference) but yet they continue to beg for donations to help keep the church alive

She and her Mom were so put off by the sermon, I thought for sure, it was going to ruin Mother's Day...I told her that today (Mother's Day) was not about the Pedophile Brotherhood, or anything else. It was about our two beautiful children we have together, and the lady in Appleton can celebrate today because she, too, is a mother (article on teacher).

My two cents worth ... if you want a child, and you cant do it yourselves, and you employ the power and miracle of today's technology, and it works for you, the by all means Merry Christmas! My wife and I were blessed to be able to bring two beautiful children into this world in a "procreationary" way -- because practice does make perfect ;)

What right does the Catholic church have, to tell two people who love each other, they cannot have kids except by having sex? I mean, this is the same bunch of people who, when you go to get married, you have to spend a weekend with a bunch of priests who arent allowed to marry, and they get to tell you how to be a married couple. Does anyone else see a problem here?

I mean, I know the Baptist religion isnt sqweeky clean, but I know we arent ANYWHERE near $800+ million just to settle pedophile suits with our preachers. Like I said, I know they are not perfect. These are just my thoughts and observations.

OK, I am leaving my soapbox, and heading to Sleepy-ville :) Goodnight and good luck

The Things That Should Not Be

Most of you who know me by now know that Metallica is one of my alltime favorite bands, and yes, the title is a song of theres (from the album Master of Puppets in case you are keeping track at home). I highly suggest you have this in your CD collection.

Life's very strange at times. Days of lost and cofusion...days of total discontent with what you have become...all of those totally erased by a full day spent with your family...it is amazing how just the thought of your family can erase any of the discontent you allow to build up. Sunday, even though it was colder than hell here, I spent the whole day with them...Super Bowl meant nothing to me while they were up...probably another reason I wanna live SOUTH! The warm climates! I want to be able to get out more!

Probably one of the reasons I have gotten to the point I am in my weight struggles is the lack of regular activity. Usually from Dec-March, the only regular activity I get is walking in from the parking lot to work..long walk, but other than that, just too damn cold to do anything else!!

I miss the days of playing raquetball...even though I am sure the managers at Sun Village (the apartment complex we lived in during college were GLAD to see us leave). I dont know how, but structurally, the back glass of the raquetball courts were somehow 10x thicker than normal, and for good reason. I swear there was one time, the glass was SURE to break, and I KNOW the people waiting for us to finish our game thought it was going to break, because I hit it so hard, they were hiding their faces! WHAM!!!

I miss the flag football at the park in ABQ
I miss the golf games with my dad -- no carts - we walked 18 holes
I miss the snorkeling in the Keys...yes, I used to swim when I didnt look like a whale!
I miss bike-riding
I miss Monday Night bowling league (mainly because it was ALSO beer and wing night)

Time to get my ass back into shape -- no more aches and pains of my weight taking its toll on my body. No more not being able to run around the yard with my kids. No more breathlessness trying to do stairs....I have had enough...I did it once, I can do it again.

Choices

A month has passed...life is starting to return to normal.
There are times in our lives we all do it.
Wonder what we have done to get to where we are at
Think about the future
Ponder the inevitable

The one thing I think about the most are my kids. It is amazing how lucky I am. There are people in this world who cant even have kids...and I have two beautiful children.

I have a loving wife, who, no matter what is going on, still gives me the support and love like the day we met. There are many days that the average woman would have packed up and left town...nope, she is still here, and still loves me, even with all my faults.

I have a sister who always finds time (with a schedule that would mirror 3 people) to call and check in, ask how I am doing, whatever....I can say that there is nobody I would want as my sister...nobody compares to you :)

I have my brothers -- Bill and Rick -- that for 20 years, have been my backbone in life. No matter the distance...no matter the situations...we were always there for each other...and though they may not be blood, they are brothers none-the-less.

I have a friend who I work with. Linz basically said "...marriages are hard work, keep working at it. You aren't the quitting type" and she is so right...again, that old saying "2x4 across the back of the head"...yeah, she gave me one...thanks Linz...I have always said, you dont hold anything back...some people may say you are blunt...I just say you are honest. :)

All of this leads me to the choices we all face in everyday life. For me, moving around as a kid, the choice was easy - make friends, or stay lonely. A question as simple as "Can I set my stuff here" on the cafeteria table at lunch has led to 2 friendships I could never want to live without. Each day we are given the choice to either help ourselves or help others. Somedays, you actually get to do both, but unless we choose to not only help others, but also help ourselves, almost like Pay It Forward, we will forever be stuck in the "what might have been" mindset. You also have to take care of yourself. You are the best person to take care of yourself. Nobody can do a better job of taking care of yourself better than you.

Well, I am off to Sleepy-ville. I am finally getting over my cold...hopefully it stays away. Take care of yourselves.....