Bottle of Wine

You are probably thinking why I would write about a bottle of wine, but it really isnt about that bottle (actually 3 by the end of the night) at all...it is what came about AFTER the wine.

I had to have a very difficult conversation (two actually) in which in the conversation came up the topic of SELF WORTH.

Unfortunately the subject of the conversations wasnt the other person - no, it was me. My divorce took alot out of me emotionally, physically, mentally, monetarily, etc.

So how did we get on the subject of self worth? Simple really...both people know me very well, in fact one of the two is the person I was seeing for almost a year after my divorce was finalized. Her and I have known each other for about 8 or 9 years, but we never met until 2007...we worked together in separate offices for the same company. When you talk to people day in and day out, you get to know alot about them, and you get the feeling of a connection with that person. When they tell you about their parents or their kids, you feel like you were there when they share what happened. When their spouse is injured you are concerned for their well being, as if it were a relative of your own. Maybe for the longest time, I have put the value of who I am as a person in the wrong places. Tonight, I am still not clear on what self worth means to me. Does it mean that I make someone happy? Does it mean I help someone out? What does it all mean?

For the longest time, I tried to live up to expectations that I had in my head. I thought for the longest time that I was letting my father down. I still havently completely gotten over this one, because there are days when I feel I have let him down. Being a father myself, you hope that your kids do better than you did. How do you look your own father in the face and say "Dad, I'm sorry for what I have become" You always want better for your kids, and all I can hope and pray for is that my kids, are better than me. I am not happy with where I am in my life. I know some of it was out of my control, but I also know, that some of it was. How do you think it feels to have to tell your own dad that you have been let go from your job (all be it, economic cutbacks but still)? How do you think it feels knowing that this might be the best it ever gets?

I spent how much money getting an IT degree, only to STILL not be doing anything with it. I have had to go back to driving to pay bills. I turned to drinking wine to drown out my sorrows and my pains...not very smart especially since I havent eaten today. REALLY not smart since I have consumed two full bottles of wine, and tapped open a 3rd.

I've been told I read too much into things too...maybe that comes from my overly-analytical mind. I think (and overthink) things to the point of exhaustion. Maybe it is the fear of being alone. Sometimes I base my self worth on being with someone. If I am not with someone, I must not be worth anything. Funny thing is, they are right. That is exactly how I have been thinking. The fear of being alone has consumed my self worth. Just like work consumed my entire life to the point where my life revolved around one building.

I look around sometimes, and I dont know if it is jealousy, or if it is more like the old phrase "keeping up with the Jones's" but I look at my life, and I look at the lives that others have, and I wonder where did I go so wrong? Materialistic things dont bother me. I dont need to drive a Hummer or Mercedes Benz. I dont need a 7 bedroom mansion. That's not me at all. I dont have to have the nicest house on the block, or be on the next episode of CRIBS to know where I am with my life. I never expected life to be easy, but I also never expected it to be this hard either. This roller-coaster of a ride seems to be getting bigger hills to climb and bigger decents to tackle.

I was told self worth has to come from within. Right now, I dont know where to start. Looks like a pretty big pile of stuff to go thru.

J-Dawg

My Birthday...and other things

Hey everyone!

May 21st, I celebrated my 9th anniversary of my 29th birthday -- and let me just say, I had fun that night! I went to a place called the Santa Fe Cattle Company. It was in the same parking lot as the Wal Mart Super Center where I was stopping for the night in Jenks OK. I enjoyed a nice rib eye with mushrooms, beans and rice, and cole slaw. It was a great atmosphere, and great dinner.



Since my last post, I have been to Chicago, then to Cincinnati, then to Indianapolis, then Terre Haute IN, then Jenks OK, then Dallas, then Alachua FL, then Albany GA, and now, I am in West Memphis AR at our operating center waiting to deliver my load this evening. I am already on a pre (next load assignment) for tomorrow to pickup in Jackon TN and head to Carol Stream (Chicago-land) IL...and hopefully from there, to Green Bay to go home for my daughter's dance recital. So I am happy to be heading in the right direction :)



Life is going very well for me...wish I were doing something OTHER than driving, but I am enjoying it while I can - I wish I were doing something with my IT degree, but Green Bay isnt the IT capital of the world...but I am confident I will be off the road by end of year (I hope to be anyway)...we shall see what happens. Hope all is well for everyone!

J-Dawg

2000 visitors

I never thought I could get 20 people to read what I write, let alone 2000! Sometime since I last posted, I have cleared the 2000 visitor plateau :) I know it is nothing like Dawn over at Thoughts From Along the Broken Road and her 2.8 million visitors LOL (ok, maybe just SLIGHTLY exaggerated) but I am happy to get to 2000.

I am home from another 2 weeks on the road. I was able to get some pretty decent pictures while I was out there...I will post them at the bottom. In this last trip, I went to Atlanta GA, Beech Island SC, Columbus OH, St Louis MO (3 times!), Neelys Landing MO, Indianapolis, Chicago, and the bustling metropolis of Tomah, WI, then home. Tomah is actually a nice little town!

RAIN and WIND were the two major components for this trip. I came out to 2 straight days of rain and wind (torrential downpours in TN and Atlanta) then the wind again from Columbus to St Louis, then the rain, and it rained....and it rained...and finally I ran out of it...then 2 days ago, the wind and rain returned on my drive from Chicago to St Louis...and it was fierce! I somehow missed the tornados in and around Missouri.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend, and I will touch base before I head back out again!

The Arch, St Louis MO:



Driving above the fog near Wytheville, VA:








As I was sitting at a rest area, I came across this unique setup:




This is a field full of yellow flowers:




Chicago skyline (sitting in downtown traffic - YAY!)




Sunrise, then sunset, in Indiana on the same day:






Enjoy
J-Dawg

The Last 2 Weeks

Internet access apparently is harder to come by than I thought. I got my new truck charger while I was home last time. So when I DO get internet access I will update a little more often.

These first couple of pictures are of a place called "The Caves" in Independence MO -- There are over 75 businesses who have their docks INSIDE a mountain. Here are some of the pictures from inside:
































Then here are a couple from PA ... I just realized that I really didnt take many pictures this time out...will have to do better next time!







Hope you all have a great week - Until next time!

J-Dawg

Where Have I Been?

Yeah, internet access has been scarce the last few days, so I thought I would catch you up on my travels this week.

Tuesday, I was in Omaha NE. I made my delivery there, and got to experience the 2nd of 3 consecutive winter storms I had to deal with this week. First it was Saturday into Sunday with storm#1 and all the wind. Storm #2 was all the wind, and the back side of the storm snow. Then yesterday into today, it was the WIND!!! CAN SOMEONE PLEASE FIND THE OFF SWITCH!! I am sooooo sick of the wind already!

OMAHA NE:






























NEAR DUBUQUE, IA:































MISSISSIPPI RIVER between Dubuque, IA and Wisconsin:































US-151 between Dubuque IA and Madison WI in Wisconsin:















Hope you enjoyed the pictures from this week! Have a great weekend.

J-Dawg

Where am I?

I thought I would try something out, since I am back out on the road driving around the country again. Today, I am in Walcott IA. If you have never heard of Walcott IA, it is just over the border from Illinois on I-80 at mile marker 284. Why is this significant? Because tonight, I am staying at the "World's Largest Truck Stop"...and let me tell you,this place is a CITY all by itself! They have a showroom with 3 full-sized semi's IN THE SHOWROOM!!! Let me put it too you this way - the showroom and store alone are the size of 5 Super-Wal-Mart's!! ADD to that,the restaurant, the barber, chiropractor, dentist, full movie theater...3 stories...it even has a Pooch-o-Mat - a place to wash your dog/car while you are on the road! Over 200 acres of facilities here...UNREAL!

Being back on the road has its good points and bad points. Good points - I am able to just drive and "be" which is nice. Bad points...I miss home..Maybe its because it still new, even though I have done this before but i still miss some of the creature-comforts of home. I miss being able just to turn around and be at my server, or sit on the couch with the laptop..but overall, I am doing just fine. As I get to places with internet, I will upload and do more updating. Will try to get a truck picture tomorrow.

Good night all!

J-Dawg

Friday Fill-in

I saw this on several blogs I visit regularly, and figured I would give it a try:


1. I'm unemployed, I'm looking for a job every day, I am grateful for any help anyone offers.

2. Why do I have goate and not a mustache.

3. How does this CSS web design stuff work, anyway?

4. Every morning, I put milk on my cereal.

5. I consider myself lucky because I have a great network of family and friends who are helping me thru the latest life challenge .

6. One day we’ll see God's great plan.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to spending time with the kids, tomorrow my plans include doing follow-up calls on jobs applications and Sunday, I want to RELAX!

J-Dawg