HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!
For anyone who has spent any amount of time here, you know that my biggest issue that I have is my weight. In the last 4 months, after over a year and a half of taking it off, I have managed to put that weight all back on.
It sucks and I hate it.
There is a show called The Biggest Loser and the whole premise of the show is that is you lose the most weight over a preset amount of time, you are the biggest loser. There has been a marathon of this show on Bravo tonight. However, the premise of the show isnt the connotation I have of myself right now. If my mind and in my heart I have shut down...I have totally reverted to my old ways. I have turned to food for everything -- boredom, happy, sad, lonely, hungry, etc. The recurring cycle of self-medicating with food, and lack of exercise has put me into the same predicament I was in 2 years ago, 5 years ago, etc -- hating myself for the weight I am at.
The support system I need is nowhere even close to kick me in the ass when I need it, yell when I need it, crack me on the back of head when I need it...because I have given up on myself. My self-esteem is at an all-time low, even lower than 2 years ago when I started writing.
Worst part about all of this is that I have used all of my excuses. I have none now. I can't use the "shattered ankle" excuse - that was 8 years ago now. Can't use the "no gym membership". I have a complete gym at work - for FREE!
It's me -- all me. My problem that I have brought on myself -- and the problem that I am continuing to struggle with. I hear of my friends snowboarding, or playing racquetball, or going on bike rides, and I just crumble inside knowing I cant do any of that right now. Disappointed within myself that I have let myself get to the point where I cant even think of doing things, let alone actually do them.
This affects my kids - mainly because right now, I cant even do alot of the things I would love to do with them - swim, ride bike, run and chase after, etc. I am lucky enough to spend time with them, but I would not want them to become what I have become...and it really hurts because I wouldnt want that on anyone - my kids, my godson, no one. I wouldnt want anyone to know the pain that I am feeling through all of this. Although I know people do.
It pains me to know that I have lost the ability to break this cycle...and I dont know what else to do. Today, i walked...and when I was done, my muscles burned like a (something really bad) and I thought I was doing good...but then I came home, and sunk right into the same depressed lonely nightly routine I have grown accustomed to.
I dont expect a miracle cure, a miracle pill, or anything...at this point I dont even know what to expect...maybe that is my problem.
2 comments:
First off, that show "The Biggest loser", to me, is suspect. There is no way that losing that much weight that quickly is healthly for you. Also, Atkins and diets like that aren't healthy either, since totally eliminating a portions of your diet (carbs, fats, etc) is definitely not healthy.
Second, having battled my weight my whole life, I understand your feelings. Some of the things I did was pay to join a gym, b/c I know I am cheap and if I am paying for something I will use it. Also, at the gym there are physical trainers that can help you create the right diet and exercise routine for you, probably for less $$$ than you would expect. The hardest part of getting an exercise routine is the first two weeks, then it gets easier.
Will and I are here when you need us, as you know. Hang in there.
RJ
I feel your pain... I took off quite a bit of weight 2-3 years ago and slowly it all came back. The last 10 pounds very quickly last summer when I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. For myself, I have dubbed this a year of moderation and discipline, in many areas, not just weight. It is already a struggle.
I send you all good thoughts and prayers right now--as you're feeling so discouraged--that your spirits will lift and you will find the accountability and perseverance to find the right solution for you.
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