"There you were, deeply involved in a relationship. It may have been stormy or you may have thought everything was running smoothly. Then it happened: Your significant other no longer wanted to be your significant other. This scenario happens almost every moment of every day, but when it happens to you, your whole world can focus on this. Many people that do not want the relationship to end will go into a panic to keep the relationship alive. Most of these attempts are in vain. When a relationship ends, it can be a heartbreaking, emotionally crippling time, and there are strategies you can implement to learn to let it go.
It is important to understand that as much as you may wish, you simply cannot control another person’s thoughts or feelings. Even if you feel they are unjustly ending the relationship or you do not see any logic in their choice, they possess the freewill to do with their life as they wish. It is sometimes enormously painful to accept this fact, especially if you feel you have given so much of yourself to this other person. When they choose to walk away from you, you may feel a very strong craving to stop the progress of their actions. When feeling that you deserve something from this person, it can cause you to behave in very improper way. This behavior is detrimental to your emotional wellbeing.
There is no debate regarding the poignant pain that is involved in a breakup or divorce. There is not a magic way to completely stop the misery you will feel from the loss of this person. However, there is a way to control these feelings. No amount of pleading, begging or bribery can change how a person feels about you. Once you accept this fact, you can then move on to take actions to behave dignified and accept the end of the relationship with your esteem intact.
If the following sounds familiar, you have not learned the art of letting go. When faced with the end of a relationship, have you called that person endlessly will pleas to be reunited? Have you contacted the other person and promised to change your behavior to better accommodate their needs? Have you attempted repeatedly to question them as to why they are choosing to leave you? All of these are clear-cut signs that you have a difficult time letting a dead relationship go. All of these signs only make the situation worse for you.
When pleading with another person to “begin loving you again”, you are setting yourself up for disaster. You cannot talk someone into loving you. You may be a wonderful, caring, kind and compassionate person, however if someone who was in your life does not feel they want continue the relationship, you cannot force them. You already must deal with the loss of the relationship. Love is a choice of freewill. To beg, plead or otherwise, will only lead to feeling defeated once again.
It is exceedingly difficult indeed, to control the desire to reach out to the person who left you. When you are so used to conversations with them or seeing this person everyday, it will throw your world upside-down when you must deal with a sudden end of communication and a physical connection. Realizing that calling the person, trying to “accidentally run into them” or other means of contact is futile, you must learn to distance yourself. This must be done in the name of self-respect.
If you can be emotionally strong enough to know that nothing you do can bring this person back to you, you can leave with dignity. If you harass this person, in an attempt to reunite, added suffering is imminent. It can be so frustrating to plead, beg and try to persuade someone and have him or her repeatedly reject you. The best road to take is one of complete and utter non-communication. Once knowing you do not possess the power to control their feelings and actions, control your behavior. You will have moments of weakness and there are steps you can take to overcome these.
Resist the urge to “show up accidentally” in places that you know you will run into them. You may think it is a great idea to spend hours making yourself look fantastic and then going to a restaurant, bar or otherwise that the person frequents. Your plan will be to show them how wonderful you look and they will regret their mistake of leaving you. Your plan will actually make the other person fully aware of your plan, and they will think your plan is pitiable. Whatever reason they had for leaving the relationship, whether unfounded or not, will remain intact. Flaunting yourself in front of them is akin to screaming out, “Look at me! Why do you not want me?”. Do you really want to seem that deprived?
Do everything possible to stop yourself from calling them on the telephone. Delete their number from your cell phone. Another good option is to leave their number, but to change their contact name to something along the lines of, “No! He/she treated me horribly”. This is a good strategy to prevent you from calling them, in the moments that you are feeling weak. You can also tape a note to your home phones. One suggestion is to write something such as, “Do not call him/her, they broke your heart and you will look like a fool if you keep calling!”. These may sound rather silly now, but when in a state of a broken heart, it is common to act irrationally and these tips can stop your foolish behavior.
If you are used to instant messaging with this other person, and you wish to leave your messenger intact on your computer for messaging with others, there are several options. Firstly, you should opt to create a new user name and inform only your friends, family and others that you do wish to communicate with of your new name. If you choose to keep your user name, obviously, you should delete your ex’s name off your list. If you are not emotionally strong enough to do so yet, you should at least opt to change their contact name, so that their name will show as “Ex- do not IM him/her!” or anything that will prompt you to not contact them.
You may feel a very strong urge to leave phone messages, or offline instant messages to the other person who left the relationship. You may feel you have an endless array of things to say to this person. Alternatively, you may feel you must get the last word in, but it never ends there. If you allow yourself to leave these messages, you will always find something new to add. The other person is most probably ignoring or deleting your messages, it will not bring them back to you, and all of your efforts will be in vain. Once you have implemented the means to prevent yourself from contacting them, do realize this: As absurd as it sounds at the moment, as much as your heart is aching, as much as you feel you were unfairly treated, as much as you feel you know you were the “best thing to ever happen” to them, time will change your feelings.
It is one of the most frequently used clichés when a relationship ends; however, time does heal all wounds. When using the term “heal” this does not mean that you forget this person forever. It does not mean that you will live the rest of your life without this person’s name or image appearing in your mind. It does mean that given a certain amount of time, the image and memories of this person will fade.
If you follow these guidelines to end the relationship quickly and not drag the breakup into a long process, there will be a day, not too far in the future, that you realize this person was not the right one for you. You desire a good person, someone who cares for you unconditionally, someone to support your decisions, and someone to walk through life with. If this person leaves you, heartbroken and alone, they are proving they possess none of the qualities that you were looking for in a mate. You may feel misled, lied to, or tricked. The reality remains that they ultimately did not measure up to having the qualities needed in a relationship with you.
At one time or another we have all wished we had the power to make someone loves us. We have prayed for their return. We have deprived ourselves from sleep while pondering what we could have done to stop them from leaving. We have spent endless hours wondering how they could leave us. In the end, all of that time spent is needlessly, we will never obtain the answers. Only one fact remains: Everyone has freewill to do as they wish. When a person leaves you, learn to let it go." © Alisa Chagon
I found this -- and sometimes, you read things a couple of times and it still doesnt set in. You think you got it all figured out, and come to find out, you really dont. You have no power to influence, you have no power to bridge the gap. It is totally out of your control, so no matter how hard you try to influence, or show how much that person means to you and your life, they decide this relationship isnt what them want. Their words to you are "I dont know what I want" so for the last year, what did you want? Yeah, we have had ups and downs, like every relationship. What made you decide, out of the blue, you dont know what you want, but you know this isnt it? So this has been my dilema for over 4 months now. How does someone walk away from another person, who shows them all the love in the world, puts them on a pedestal, treats them like the center of attention, and in a snap of a finger...they dont want it anymore. They say they love you, but how do you believe that when they decide to walk away? The feelings I have for this person havent gone away. I still love this person more than anything, and would again put this person on high...how do I move beyond that? I said from the very first moment we went into this relationship that having her in my life as a friend was more than not having her in my life at all.
If someone has the answers let me know. I cant seem to find them.
J
